Well about 12 months ago I got a viral infection, or man flu as my wife, Sonya Hudson, put it, any way it got so bad that I was dragged into the weekend clinic at our local hospital. I waited only a few minutes and was in to see the doctor, who was a breath of fresh air to me.

I have met many doctors who have had terrible people skills, if you know what I mean please nod! so here was a doctor, who was both knowledgeable and passionate. I remember thinking a few more of these people could turn the NHS around! Any way back to last week and a new client, yes Matt still does the odd one to one sessions, the presenting problem being “blushing”.

As we talked I realised that I had met my client before, I just couldn’t quite figure out where? She had had various attempts at getting rid of her problem through different therapeutic channels, all to no avail. Many of them insisted that she must have had a terrible event happen to her when she was a child? Go figure!

No, this problem actually began when she was at University, away from home, finals coming up, lecturer bent on singling her out from the group, a relationship that didn’t fit her culture so her family suggested that she had brought shame on them, you put that lot together and bam! Something has to give. Mary had done nothing ethically wrong but nevertheless, she believed that she had, so whenever from that point forward, any one ever asked her about her family or who she was, poof! A wonderful shade of red and boy did she feel terrible about it.

So do you have any part of your life that when you think about it now causes you to believe that you are to old, to young, fat ,thin, clever, stupid, etc,. What do you believe about that belief…? You see it’s not about what happens to you that effects you in your life, no, it’s what you believe about it that counts. So what I am saying is if you whine enough about your problems sure enough you will get more, the universe will send you everything you believe you deserve.

Mary believed she was a 2 out of 10 person and that I was a 9 out of 10 therapist so when I told her she was the doctor who inspired me a year ago and I believed her to be a 9 her jaw dropped as she had only done 4 days and I met her on one them for 4 minutes. Her belief in herself changed dramatically. By shifting your beliefs you shift the universe itself.

So do you believe you deserve more?

As you can imagine the conversation took many twists and turns many arguing that it was unethical to stray from the rule book, meaning whatever discipline they were trained in and the ethical framework that supported it.

I suggested this little coaching insight that was aptly supplied by the the Bard of Avon, some years ago;

Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2,

Polonius:
What is the matter, my lord?

Hamlet:
Between who?

Polonius:
I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

Hamlet:
Slanders, sir; for the satirical rogue says here that old men
have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging
thick amber and plum-tree gum, and that they have a plentiful
lack of wit, together with most weak hams; all which, sir, though
I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty
to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, shall grow old as I am, if
like a crab you could go backward.

Polonius:
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.

The English expression, “There’s a method in the madness,” derives from this scene between Polonius, the politic, and Hamlet. Polonius believes Hamlet to be mad and yet Hamlet has clearly told Polonius what he thinks of him and his master, Hamlet delivers this information in a quote so the listener doesn’t attach it to the speaker.

Polonius thinks that Hamlet is mad, yet notes that there is still a lot of sense in what he is saying, hence the saying “Method in the madness”. Now depending if you are a process driven person or an options motivated individual, in which case, “madness in the method” might appeal to you more, you can use some craziness to have different outcomes and expectations from your sessions.

Carol came into her session suffering from anxiety attacks and depression, she had been having various counseling and coaching sessions, as well as pills, for three long years; her one session full of madness later, now she has been problem and drug free for a month.

So if you’re a people helper who could do with a dash of madness in your sessions or you’re in sessions and they’re driving you mad, you know where I am, get in touch, you’d be crazy not too…

NLP practitioner training, Coaching and Hypnotherapy…

…it’s about madness!

Imagine if you could visit someone and as you uttered 17 words or less they were able to deliver the statement that would cause your inner mind to simply change, unbelievable? Actually it’s highly plausible if you happen to be sitting in front of a therapist/ Coach who is at the cutting edge, or maybe he or she has just read “The Saboteur Within” and has picked up a few hints and tips for helping you to change effortlessly.

Martin came in a couple of months ago and he had had years of “anxiety attacks” whenever he stayed away from home for an evening. If Martin never went out of the house he would be totally cured but he had to go to work, to pay the bills.

To make matters worse, Martin is very good at his job so his boss offers him freebies to travel around the world, with his wife, all expenses paid. Martin hates it and Martin’s wife Sarah hates it even more because they don’t get to go!

As soon as anything like a holiday was mentioned, Martin would become nauseas, his appetite would diminish and within days he would be ill. I know that there are lots of techniques I could have used but I decided to sit back and help our hero to do his change conversationally.

I won’t drag on basically Martin was having an allergic reaction to anything that was ‘different’! Yes, you heard me, ‘different’.
He was okay at work, until they promoted him and that made him ill, then he got used to it and things settled down again. Overnight stays, weekends away and a wife wanting holidays all had the same effect. Eventually, they managed to get around the holiday problem, they went to Benidorm every year, the same week, same hotel, same, same, same.

The cure was quite straight-forward. Martin saw everything that was a break from his norm as scary and different. I asked him how old he was he said “fifty –five” “so…” I said “…at fifty-five years old is it possible that you could go anywhere on this planet where the people don’t have similar issues to us, bills to pay, relationship troubles, etc” “Probably not” he said “…and is it also possible that once you’ve stayed in one hotel you’ve stayed in them all?” “When you look at it like that…” he beamed a big bright eyed grin “…Everything gets to be the same eventually, doesn’t it!” “That’s right!” I beamed back at him.

With that Martin clapped is hands and said he was sorted, the whole session lasted ten minutes and Martin was last seen going on a golfing holiday, after just returning from two weeks in Orlando, Florida.

Sarah is over the moon to be able to plan holidays with her husband for the first time in thirty years of marriage.
If you are a coach or therapist and you would love to be able to help your clients in 17 words or less contact me soon.
NLP, Coaching and Hypnotherapy…
…It’s about less being more

When I was first introduced to this clever rhyme, I was told that the author was unknown. Now, thanks to the Internet, I am delighted to learn that Walter D Wintle is the man behind the poem that captures, in a few short lines, just exactly how we create our own reality.

Entitled “Thinking” it could have easily been named “the power of limiting beliefs” because that is exactly what it describes.

Thinking
If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think you dare not, you don’t. If you’d like to win, but think you can’t, It’s almost a cinch you won’t. If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost, For out in the world we find Success begins with a fellow’s will; It’s all in the state of mind. If you think you’re outclassed, you are; You’ve got to think high to rise. You’ve got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize. Life’s battles don’t always go To the stronger or faster man; But soon or late the man who wins Is the one who thinks he can.
Walter D. Wintle

So, please, please listen; the key to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life is in your hands, or more precisely, in your thoughts.

Your reality is what you think, but does that make it really true? Some of you will be giving us lists of reasons and excuses as to why you can’t be slim, you might even believe them, but what if you believed you could and you can be slimmer, fitter and healthier? How transformational are those thoughts, now?

NLP, Coaching and Hypnotherapy…
… It’s all in your mind

In the wild, a dog’s very survival depends on a strong, stable, and organised pack, where every member knows its place and follows the rules established by the pack leader. The pack instinct is perhaps the strongest natural motivator for a dog. Now if you were to substitute the word “person” for the word “dog“ aren’t we really talking about the same thing here? Don’t we all need to belong, doesn’t your very survival depend on your state of mind and how you interact with the people around you?

Cesar Millan teaches that, in order to properly fulfill both our dogs and ourselves, we each need to become our canine’s calm, assertive pack leader. A dog that doesn’t trust it’s human to be a good pack leader becomes unbalanced and often exhibits unwanted or anti-social behaviours. Please feel free to substitute the word “manager, parent, teacher or politician”, I’m sure you can see how that would be appropriate.

Cesar does not “train” dogs in the sense of teaching them commands like “sit,” “stay,” “come,” and “heel” – he rehabilitates unbalanced dogs and helps “re-train” their owners to better understand how to see the world through a dog’s eyes.
Cesar counsels people to calmly, assertively, and consistently give their dogs rules, boundaries, and limitations and establish themselves as solid pack leaders in order to correct and control unwanted behaviour. He doesn’t believe in “quick fixes”, even though changing some behaviours can appear to happen in a relatively short period of time. None of those changes will “stick” unless the human acts consistently with his or her dog every day to keep unwanted behaviours from returning. In Cesar’s opinion, no one should ever hit or yell at a dog to correct inappropriate behaviour.

Now replace the name “Cesar” for “Matt” and you can probably make all of the connections, that you need to. You see, it’s not about hypnotising you it’s about getting you into the right state of mind at the right time and place, so that you can shine and be better at being you. Calm and assertive is the only state of mind that a pack leader should have, so how is yours?

Does your pack respect you? Are your children well balanced or do you make up excuses for them? Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you truly want to say “no!” Be honest with yourself, now, you know that you need to be more assertive. This doesn’t mean angry or aggressive, which is a popular misconception, no ,it means strong, self-confident, self-assured and poised. Doesn’t that feel good right now as you think about it? So, the question is, if you are not assertive and self confident what problems and difficulties is that behaviour creating around you and the rest of your pack, colleagues, family?

Be the leader of your pack…

I figured I would have you think through my opening statement, “Coaching, after the birds have flown!”

Often a client will make an appointment for coaching thinking they know exactly what their presenting problem is. More often than not, once we start to look at the issues that are causing difficulties, we soon discover that the difficulty or stumbling block actually lies elsewhere.

When Mary called me to book a coaching session, she described her problem as “my husband doesn’t understand me” but after some probing it translated into “my youngest child is now sixteen and I feel lonely”.

“Empty Nest Syndrome” is a very common problem,

Wiki describes it as

“a general feeling of loneliness that parents or guardians may feel when one or more of their children leave home; it is more common in women. The marriage of a child can lead to similar feelings, with the role and influence of the parents often becoming less important compared to the new spouse.

A strong maternal or paternal bond between the parent and child can make the condition worse. The role of the parent while the child is still living with them is more hands-on and immediate than is possible when they have moved out, particularly if the distance means that visits are difficult.”

When children move away, mothers can get what is called “Empty Nest Syndrome”, which is generally accepted as the lonely, abandoned feeling of the home being empty. In order to fill the void of the empty house, many people look for something that is living and breathing that will take their mind off of their feelings, like a pet.

Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.

Mary felt lonely and vulnerable but she hadn’t connected it to her children growing up. She had associated it with her husband’s angry outbursts and the frequent arguments they had been having lately.

At this point in time, Mary believed that she couldn’t share her emotions with her soul mate. So, she had come to have her feelings acknowledged by another human being. Throughout the session Mary hinted towards divorce and how it was the only solution, as her emotional needs weren’t being met. She had not considered that her husband John could be suffering too and probably hadn’t made the ‘empty nest’ connection either.

Remember you get what you focus on and Mary was focusing on the 10% of their relationship that wasn’t working instead of focusing on the 90% that was continuing to function well. By allowing Mary to feel heard and having her recognise her loneliness, she was able to gain a new perspective on her relationship with her husband.

Since our session, Mary has reported back that her relationship with John is improving and the rows have stopped. They are now both able to appreciate that the void they were seeking to avoid was not of their making and that together they can work through this period.

Click here if you wish to receive 7 top tips on how to overcome empty nest syndrome.

NLP, Hypnosis and Coaching it’s about …being conscious.

I thought, as a pre-empt to our Mind Development Night on Thursday 5th May and our upcoming Beliefs Workshop on the 14th May, I would share with you a client story so you can see just how easy it is to get trapped in a limiting belief cycle.

Bill is a landscape gardener and when he came for a session, his presenting problem was, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, which he had been suffering with for two years. Bill explained that it had all started just over two years ago when he had taken on the biggest job of his career. He had completed it on time and the client was happy, but throughout the job he had felt “overwhelmed” by it and “all the joy and colour has gone out of my work” he said.

Now, for the coaches and NLPers amongst you, there is enough information in the last paragraph for you to be able to help Bill weed out exactly what it is that is causing the problem, for the rest of you read on.

Bill had his first ever panic attack about halfway through this “big job”.He went to the doctor, where he was informed he was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. He was promptly given a prescription, a sick note, for a month, (which, being self-employed he couldn’t use) and a return visit to the GP in 4 weeks.

Bill’s problem persisted and inside the month got decidedly worse. Long story short, two years later Bill is on various drugs, counselling weekly, psychology visits monthly and a check up from a psychiatrist every six months. Phew! That’s a lot of time and money to be worse off, don’t you think?

Bill thought that he must have had a trauma in his child hood or some deep rooted problem that on going therapy could help him to uncover. But really what had happened was, some part of Bill believed that this job was too big and out of his league and as a result he had taken the image of the “big job” made it very large and black and white inside his mind.

When I asked him about any jobs he did before the “big job” they were stored in thumbnail size pictures that were in full colour. The jobs after his panic attack were all stored in black and white, so, we worked on shrinking the “big job” down to size and changed it to coloured, then as if by magic, all the other black and white thumbnails became coloured all by themselves. We worked it through a few times to generalise the patterns or to bed in the learning, pardon the gardening pun! ☺

As you can see, all of the help that Bill had received up to this point was supported by strong beliefs, created by years of medical training. In actual fact, by Bill going along with those beliefs, things had got worse! every body had a set of beliefs to bring to Bill’s aid and two years on he was worse off!

A drug free Bill called a week later to put off his next appointment, again, as he was “on a big job and didn’t have time” That’s what I call a result!

This month’s development class will be looking at how some clients can get a profound change from working with their beliefs and reframing the content, whilst others can have equally dramatic changes by tinkering with their process.

So which comes first the limiting decision, limiting belief or the process?

I look forward to delving further into this arena with you on Thursday 5 May 2011: 7.00pm – 9.00pm (Read more details here).

The answer lies within your beliefs, if the decision allows you to be fully aligned with your life purpose then it should take an instant.
So, what stops you from going out and grabbing a whole chunk of what you want? In one word Consequences.

What are the Consequences of going for it?
The dictionary defines consequence as something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. So consequences are made up of our beliefs and values that support our life purpose, whether we realise it or not! How do you know what you believe is true to anybody else but you?

In the Walt Disney Classic, Pinnochio, Jiminy Cricket was the designated driver for the puppet, who wanted to be a real boy. The Blue fairy appointed him to be Pinnochio’s conscience or the reminder of consequence. The story tells of the terrible things that can happen to you when you are not listening to your inner voice. I suppose that we all have to answer to someone and when that someone, say when you are very young, isn’t consistent with there message, then is it any wonder we grow up with conflicting beliefs about right and wrong.

Take for example a four year old child who is excessively over weight, the child’s carer may say that the child is a big eater but what if the carer isn’t stepping up and taking full responsibility for the child in their charge, I’m sure we can all appreciate that it’s the child’s fault! “If the child didn’t demand attention, that I don’t have time for, then I wouldn’t have to keep the feeding process running as often as I have too!” The poor carer says. The carer is going for short term fixes with the child by shovelling in food every time the little one makes a sound. If carers were to consider, before having children, what their purpose for having children is and what massive responsibility comes with being a parent, we might see some huge changes in today’s society.

Whichever way you look at it and whatever you believe, if you want to get better at decision making. Remember to give a little whistle and always let your conscience be your guide! Alternatively you could attend a belief change workshop or get a coaching professional to help you.

“Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.” - Robert Louis Stevenson

Wish to get rid of your limiting beliefs? We have an upcoming beliefs workshop? Click the link if you want to find out more!

Having a moment to reflect, I find myself wondering;is silence really golden? Is keeping shtum always the best option? Having realised just how noisy our lives have been these past few weeks. Only now, in the quiet calm, am I able to fully appreciate everything that has been happening.

Martin Luther King said “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” That’s why, every month, I write this column, because it matters to me. So, what matters to you that you are being silent about? Do you have an area in your life that causes you not to speak your truth?

I have a client who had been “”bullied”" at work so much so she was about to leave her job. Have you ever been, or are you now, being bullied? Well, there is good news and bad news. First the good news: you will only ever meet two bullies in your lifetime, the bad news is, they move around a lot! Mary, my client, needed to realise that the bullies would be waiting for her, no matter where she went, because, the situation she found herself in, was not the fault of other people or even her company, (HR professionals please call now and we can help save your company thousands of pounds!!!).

Mary had been keeping quiet and hoping the situation would change, when it didn’t she decided her only option was to leave the work she loved and look for another job.What she really needed was, to learn how to maintain her own sense of self, speak out and deal with the situation openly, instead of handing her power over to others. A few coaching sessions was all it took to prevent her from quitting a job that she enjoyed and, better still, she got to understand herself more, not to mention growing in confidence and being able to be proud of how she had confronted her fears. And, guess what? She has become an even greater asset to her company! Win-Win!!

How many of you are going to work or in a relationship where you know something is wrong but you just won’t say anything? Who does it benefit? Does it make you feel proud, damned uncomfortable and frustrated or just plain scared? Are you going to let it continue or is today the day you decide turn your life around? Many philosophers sing the praises of being silent but without the words of passionate people where would any of us be? So, I will leave you to ponder, within the calm and stillness of your mind, what Francis Bacon had to say on the subject “”Silence is the virtue of fools”" roughly translated he meant email or call me to help you raise your voice and sing your song…… out loud!!”